I do it cause i can

I do it cause i can, i can cause i want to, i want to cause you said i couldn't!

The Mechanic tricks a blonde

While driving home after work, a blonde gets caught in a nasty bad hailstorm.
the car was full of dents, so she took it to her mechanic the next day.
The Mechanic looked at the blonde and thought to himself let me have some fun.
He told her to just blow into the tailpipe really hard, when she gets home and 
and all the dents would pop out.
When the blonde went home, she got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her her friend, also a blonde, came home and said,
"Geez, what are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the Mechanic had told her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her friend rolled her eyes and said,
..."DUH!!!
You need to roll up the windows."

The Milk Bath

A blonde was reading a magazine and she saw an advert about milk baths and how they make your skin look awesome and radiant. So she goes to the local shop and asks for 14 gallons of milk.

The shop keeper explained that he would have to order it because they don't keep so much milk in stock. So the blonde agreed and asked when she could fetch it. The shop keeper asked her are you sure you don't mean 1.4 gallons of milk. The blonde said no she wants 14 gallon because she wants have a milk bath.

The shop keeper said, "Alright, i can have it ready for you tomorrow morning."
The blonde agreed, "Thank You."
The shop keeper quickly asked as she was walking out,"Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, i don't want it that deep, I can splash it in my eyes."

My Christmas Gift.

It was Christmas time again and once again, my daughter Rebecca was asking, "What do you want for Christmas, Dad?"
     "Nothing really," I replied.  After twenty-three years, she knew that this meant boxer shorts and socks, the kind that help that tender old bunion.  This was a Christmas rituals for me.
     In the small town of Stutterhiem, Eastern Cape, where we lived, life had a exciting rhythm.  After living in Durban for many years, I had returned to my home town to be near my own dad, and life took on a predictable sort of rhythm.  But this year, my daughter, Rebecca, and her young husband, Paul, changed all that.
     Every day for two weeks prior to Christmas, unable to contain her excitement, she repeatedly said, "You'll never guess, but you're going to love what we got you for Christmas!"  The girl was forever teasing me for a reaction.  She wanted to impress me.
     I'm no Scrooge, so please don't get me wrong.  I'm simply one of those people who's been around for some time and i'm a bit cynical and hard to impress.  I must admit, however, that it was fun to watch and listen to her excitement and enthusiastic teasing day after day.  Her joy of my reaction to this gift was contagious.  By the morning of Christmas Eve, I had become more than just curious.
     Around 11:00 a.m. on the 24th, my wife and I were asked to join the kids for some last-minute shopping. My wife wanted to finish up her own festive preparations, and Dad, well, I just wanted a cold beer and a snooze.  Four hours later, the kids were back at the door from their shopping mission.
     "We have your gift out in the car, Dad," Rebecca exclaimed, "and it's getting cold!"
     We were then not asked, but ordered to vacate the premises.  No, not just to another room, but upstairs and out of sight, "No peeking!" command.  Heck, my old army sergeant was gentler.  "Get out!  Get out!" Rebecca ordered.
     Obediently, we retreated upstairs.
     The minutes passed in that odd kind of anxious, quiet anticipation that makes butterflies in your stomach.  We strained our ears but couldn't hear a thing.
     Then we heard them, "Okay, you can come down now!"
     As we walked down the stairs, they sent us into the front room where the Christmas gift was waiting to be opened.  Immediately, my excited daughter said, "No waiting until Christmas morning.  Open it now!"
     "Okay," I said.  "This is highly irregular, this is breaking the rules, but what the heck is it?"  I thought out loud.  The three-foot-square, irregularly shaped lump over by the tree was smothered under blankets.  Rebecca took out her camera, and the guessing game.
     "Maybe it's a coffee machine," my wife offered.
     "No, no," I said.  "It's gotta be something perishable, otherwise they wouldn't have been so anxious to bring it in out of the cold.  Maybe it's a crate of oranges, or maybe it's a puppy!"
     By now, my daughter was about to explode with excitement, and I, too, had passed the stage of mildly curious.
     "What on earth can it be?" I asked as I felt the lumpy object, looking for a clue.  My daughter sharply rapped my knuckles with a classic, "Dad!"
     Finally, we arrived at the unveiling.  "Okay," Rebecca instructed us, "on the count of three both of you grab a corner of the blanket."  She stood by with the camera, and even though I was trying my best to remain unimpressed, I'd by now reached an emotional state frustration.  My heartbeat sped.  My wife and I lifted the blanket, and the gift was exposed.
     The next few minutes were a blur.  My heart pounded.  The blood rushed to my head.  My stomach contracted. Overwhelmed I thought, I can't believe my eyes!  Perhaps I am delusional!  This is just not possible!
     The flash of my daughter's camera went off, rising up out of the of blankets and wrapping me in an enormous bear hug was none other than my six-foot-two, one hundred and seventy-five pound first-born son Peter, home for Christmas for the first time in nineteen years!
What a beautiful Christmas gift, the best ever!!! 

10 Things I Learned From Parenting

!. Being present

Since that Terrible Twos phase my son seems to be stuck in that stage. For years I tried time-outs, consequences, punishments, rewards, naughty corners – even shouting. I read the books; nothing worked. I didn't know what to do. Then one day while he was having a tantrum, i sat there watching him and i didn't react at all. I saw his anger and frustration and instead of trying to calm him by giving into what ever soothed him i realised he needed my help to contain his anger, which was much too big for a small person on his own to hold. I went into my quiet time and space and began to pray and absorbed strength from God. The next day as soon as he started his tantrum, i tried to just be present for him and sent him love  and joy and a positive energy. And he began to change...



2. Being in Control

At nine, my son begged to play rugby. “You’ll lose a tooth, break a bone, become a paraplegic,” I explained. He cried and begged me. “One game only,” I considered it then gave him a warning, “and if you get even a scratch, no more.” Well, that boy was so fast, so proficient (how did he even know what to do with the ball?) that he was crowned Man of the Match. The next weekend, he fell off a fence playing with his friends and broke his wrist. He had to be in plaster for six weeks. As soon as his cast came off, he was back on the rugby field. Being a parent keeps teaching me: I am not God. It’s a tough one to swallow, but I’m working on it. 


3. Telling the truth

My friend Sandy told her kids upfront that there’s no tooth fairy. I told my daughter that Sandy was lying so, at 11, she was still hooked on the fantasy – and I began to dread every wobbly tooth. One night, i played a fairy visit, I accidentally woke her and, in a moment of fatigue, I came clean. “I hate you! Why did you lie to me?” she cried. I lied to her because I wanted to give her magic. Before I had kids I believed truth was an absolute. Now I know that it’s grey.

4. Generosity

I love to volunteer and give to charity, and I’ve felt like a very nice person because of it. But this generosity is conditional – I’m in control of how much I give. Parenting takes us to a new place of generosity, starting with the time-share of our bodies in pregnancy. I handed over my sculpted abs in labour to the surgeon’s scalpel, and you know the rest. I gave up sleep, exercise, independence, privacy and my charm to the opposite sex. Parenting is the perfect antidote to selfishness. It keeps moving the frontiers of my own generosity (often into the territory of self-sacrifice). Just when you think you’re all out of giving, you find you can always squeeze out a little bit more.

5. Humility

One day my daughter come home from school and told me she was being bullied, I told her to report it to her teacher. “Mum, adults don’t always know what to do,” she said. I told her, in my wisest voice, that soon this bullying would pass, and that those bullies would become delinquents with bad karma. As a tear fell down her cheek, she said, “Yes, Mum, but what about now?” I had no answer. Parenting continually humbles me when I realise that I don’t always have the solution, nor do I know how to fix everything.

6. Fear

My son had these terrible nightmares, just as I did as a child. I hated to see him so traumatised by images I can’t control. As I hold his shaking body, and soothe him with words, I use to pray in in my head I"d feel him slowly relax and sink against me like a bag of sand. In the morning he wakes as though nothing has disturbed his night. It comforts me to witness that even though fear, like a bad dream, grabs us when we’re at our most vulnerable, all dark images fade in the morning light.

7. Unconditional Love

Despite choosing how they dress, where they’re schooled and what time they go to bed, we tend to our children “belong” to us. One day, they push back. They say “no!” and “you’re not the boss of me!” They lie to us; they keep secrets from us. They do not like the jumpers we choose for them – and they don’t care if they were on sale. There's a saying i heard some time back,  “Give your children love but not your thoughts. For they have their own”. In parenting, we birth both familiarity and strangeness. Our task is to love it all, without judgement or condition. Our children have their own paths to travel.

8. Tolerance

It’s astonishing just how many terrible decisions you can make as a parent and scare your children through ignorance, blind spots or, worst of all, best intentions. We miss the cues, we expose our children to danger, we misjudge. My parenting mistakes have given me countless opportunities to apologise, forgive myself and accept my own imperfections. Our children can (and will) blame us for everything that doesn't work out in their lives. We pass the torch of tolerance on to them when we give them a chance to forgive us for our mistakes.

9. Faith

My husband once felt the need to remind me that it’s called “Mothering”, not “Smothering”. But having a child, I've heard it said, is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life. Once we bring a child into this world, we can choose to either become neurotically over protective, or we can trust the God with what is most precious to us. Having a child is not for sissies. Loving someone more than ourselves, yet being powerless to protect them from all hurt, is either a foolishness or a quantum leap of faith. I now wear a necklace with my children’s names, as well as the word FAITH, around my neck.

10. Surrendering to the mystery

Parenting books make it seem as though there are simple answers – how to get your kids to sleep, eat and behave. I've read too many of those books. I understand the biology of conception, but remain baffled by the mystery of creating another person. Parenting has taught me that this sacred connection between parent and child is as unknowable as it is scientific. It is a mystery that creates joint history and bonds that unite us beyond this lifetime. It’s a useful insight to invoke just at that point when the whining feels like it’s driving me to an early glass of wine. :)

Tricking The Police.

This is the true story of Glen Reem of Meridian, Mississippi. Glen was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. Glen went to go turn off the light but saw there were some people in the shed in the process of a robbery.

He quickly called the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and Glen said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there as soon as possible.

Glen said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and called the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance arrived.The police caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the policemen said to Glen: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Glen said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A Puzzled Blonde

A blonde girl decides to do a puzzle so she gets the puzzle and throws out all the pieces and tries to put it together.

After trying for more then an hour, she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend...

Her boyfriend says: Honey what's wrong

The Blonde says: I've been trying to put this puzzle together but I can't do it.

Her boyfriend says: Well look at the picture in the front and tell me what it looks like.

The blonde says: Okay... well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it.

Her boyfriend says: Honey... put the cornflakes back in the box.

Where To Park?

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio

announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through.”

Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

I Want To Be A Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yes..... I want to be a bear.

My Home Made Name Tag

I could recall years back during my first day in 5th grade. I was a new student then, having transferred to an exclusive school for boys. Life was financially difficult for my parents having transferred me to a school with a higher tuition fee. 

At school, we were required to wear a short-sleeve white polo uniform with the school's insignia on its upper left pocket that could be you could buy in the campus. On the top pocket should be worn a name tag to best identify each student.  To cut any expenses, Mom decided to stitch and sew the tag herself.

"This would do?" she asked.
"Umm yeah Mom". I was a bit hesitant wearing it. 

At school, boys stared teasingly at the tag.
"Who did such crooked job?", one shouted.
And another remarked "How odd. Well it caught our attention".

I knew it. Initially, I tried to cover it and detach it. But eventually it dawned on me that it didn't matter if it was different from others who wore the customized tags. I realized it should not stop me from doing my best regardless of our differences in culture or economic class or status. What is true is that Mom painstakingly made it possible to give the best for me. I should be proud of it. And I did, I wore this badge for the rest of the school year.

Moral of the story is, you were born to be different so why be like everybody else when you can do your best.

To Give or Not To Give?

At last a perfect day to enjoy a day after receiving a month's pay.
As soon as I woke up, I browsed over a buy and sell magazine.
I wanted to buy so many things. Perhaps this time I'd get a new add on
to my already crowded room or a new gadget I have desired upon seeing it on a commercial break on TV. Though, I really wasn't sure what I really wanted when the door bell suddenly rang.

I went to open it thinking it must be some salesman with goods to offer.
Upon pulling the hard wooden door, I was surprised to see an old man.
"What is this all about?
"Good day, sir. If you will kindly help me...
I believed it must be some folk acting up. But I continued to listen.
"Please sir...My young girl's sick with pneumonia we need to bring her to the hospital for treatment. We don't have anything. I could mow your lawn for some money?"
With that tone on his voice, I could hear a sincere and urgent plea.

I reasoned everything out before giving him anything. I believed everyone should strive harder and extremely harder until one gets to find the way to ease his life.
But of course it wasn't my case. The opportunities were there to facilitate in bringing out the best in me. My parents ascertained I got a good college degree and I were given the right tools when I needed these.

I figured out that life was just unfair to them. But I could help reduce the weight of their burden if I could share some blessing and if everyone else would do the same.

Without further reasoning out, and not letting my mind control my heart further, I dashed upstairs to get my wallet and pick some bills to share to this man. I wasn't in the mood anyway to purchase another clutter that will satisfy me for just a moment.

And so i gave...

A Bunch of Tiny Frogs

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower. A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants.

The race began.

No one in crowd could believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. They were saying amongst themselves:

"Oh, it way too difficult!!"

"They will never make it to the top".

"No way that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who in the shade were climbing higher and higher.

The crowd continued to yell

"It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up.

But one continued higher and higher and higher.

This one wouldn't give up!

At the end, all the other frogs had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a some time, was the only one who reached the top!

Then all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?

A contestant asked the tiny frog how the one who succeeded had found the strength to reach the goal?

It turned out and it just so happened that he was deaf.

Enjoy Your Coffee

A group English Professor's got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. 

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and came back with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive and some exquisite.

"Please help yourself." said the Professor 

When all they all had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: 

"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken first, leaving behind the cheaper looking ones. It is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. 

Remember that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. It is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drinking. 

You all just wanted the coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began looking at each other's cups. 

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. 

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that has been provided." 

Enjoy your coffee!  

You Can Not Put A Price On Your Time.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"

SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"

SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."

SON: "Oh! (With his head down).

SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"The father was furious.

DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.

Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish 

behavior

"The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.The man sat down and started to

get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get 

some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to 

think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't 

ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the 

door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".

DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took 

out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for.

"The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up

bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy 

slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do."Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an 

hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with 

you."The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his 

forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let 

time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to 

us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with 

someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily 

replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for

the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our 

family.Some things are more important.

I am so talented...

I am so talented, not only can i fall down the stairs, i can full up them as well. 

I'm not naughty...

I'm not naughty...Just mischievously creative! I like being Myself!!!

Stop and think about me for 5 seconds...

Stop and think about me for 5 seconds...Now that's the best 5 seconds of your day. Good luck with the rest of your day.

A Brown Apple

A four-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
      
      "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
      
      There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?"

Trouble with young people today is....

Trouble with young people today is i'm not one of them anymore!

If you think you can or you...

If you think you can or you can't you right.