When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's lazy.
When you make a mistake, you stupid.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When you doing something without being told, you're over stepping authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being pig headed.
When your boss does it, he is being firm.
When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please the boss, you're creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of your office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you take a day off sick, you're a slacker.
When your boss has a day off sick, he's gravely ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
If Noah was truly wise he would have swottered those two flies
I'm convinced Facebook is a time machine...I only came on a minute ago and already 2 hours have passed!?
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman !!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today."
A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day
What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question is, 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
The wrong answer is, Rugby, Soccer or Cricket.
Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes. More then the earth and the stars. More than my mother. More than life itself.'
Th wrong answer is, 'Would it make you feel better if i said yes?'
Do I look fat?
The correct response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, No, course not' and then leave the room.
The wrong answer is, 'A little extra weight looks good on you.'
Do you think she is prettier then me?
The 'she' in question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In each case, the correct answer is, 'No, you're much prettier.'
The wrong answer is, "Not prettier, but i bet you have a nicer personality.'
What would you do if i died?
The correct answer is, 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and i would perforce hurl myself under the front tyres of the first minibus taxi that came my way.'
The wrong response is, 'Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.'
