!. Being present
Since that Terrible Twos phase my son seems to be stuck in that stage. For years I tried time-outs, consequences, punishments, rewards, naughty corners – even shouting. I read the books; nothing worked. I didn't know what to do. Then one day while he was having a tantrum, i sat there watching him and i didn't react at all. I saw his anger and frustration and instead of trying to calm him by giving into what ever soothed him i realised he needed my help to contain his anger, which was much too big for a small person on his own to hold. I went into my quiet time and space and began to pray and absorbed strength from God. The next day as soon as he started his tantrum, i tried to just be present for him and sent him love and joy and a positive energy. And he began to change...
2. Being in Control
At nine, my son begged to play rugby. “You’ll lose a tooth, break a bone, become a paraplegic,” I explained. He cried and begged me. “One game only,” I considered it then gave him a warning, “and if you get even a scratch, no more.” Well, that boy was so fast, so proficient (how did he even know what to do with the ball?) that he was crowned Man of the Match. The next weekend, he fell off a fence playing with his friends and broke his wrist. He had to be in plaster for six weeks. As soon as his cast came off, he was back on the rugby field. Being a parent keeps teaching me: I am not God. It’s a tough one to swallow, but I’m working on it.
3. Telling the truth
My friend Sandy told her kids upfront that there’s no tooth fairy. I told my daughter that Sandy was lying so, at 11, she was still hooked on the fantasy – and I began to dread every wobbly tooth. One night, i played a fairy visit, I accidentally woke her and, in a moment of fatigue, I came clean. “I hate you! Why did you lie to me?” she cried. I lied to her because I wanted to give her magic. Before I had kids I believed truth was an absolute. Now I know that it’s grey.
4. Generosity
I love to volunteer and give to charity, and I’ve felt like a very nice person because of it. But this generosity is conditional – I’m in control of how much I give. Parenting takes us to a new place of generosity, starting with the time-share of our bodies in pregnancy. I handed over my sculpted abs in labour to the surgeon’s scalpel, and you know the rest. I gave up sleep, exercise, independence, privacy and my charm to the opposite sex. Parenting is the perfect antidote to selfishness. It keeps moving the frontiers of my own generosity (often into the territory of self-sacrifice). Just when you think you’re all out of giving, you find you can always squeeze out a little bit more.
5. Humility
One day my daughter come home from school and told me she was being bullied, I told her to report it to her teacher. “Mum, adults don’t always know what to do,” she said. I told her, in my wisest voice, that soon this bullying would pass, and that those bullies would become delinquents with bad karma. As a tear fell down her cheek, she said, “Yes, Mum, but what about now?” I had no answer. Parenting continually humbles me when I realise that I don’t always have the solution, nor do I know how to fix everything.
6. Fear
My son had these terrible nightmares, just as I did as a child. I hated to see him so traumatised by images I can’t control. As I hold his shaking body, and soothe him with words, I use to pray in in my head I"d feel him slowly relax and sink against me like a bag of sand. In the morning he wakes as though nothing has disturbed his night. It comforts me to witness that even though fear, like a bad dream, grabs us when we’re at our most vulnerable, all dark images fade in the morning light.
7. Unconditional Love
Despite choosing how they dress, where they’re schooled and what time they go to bed, we tend to our children “belong” to us. One day, they push back. They say “no!” and “you’re not the boss of me!” They lie to us; they keep secrets from us. They do not like the jumpers we choose for them – and they don’t care if they were on sale. There's a saying i heard some time back, “Give your children love but not your thoughts. For they have their own”. In parenting, we birth both familiarity and strangeness. Our task is to love it all, without judgement or condition. Our children have their own paths to travel.
8. Tolerance
It’s astonishing just how many terrible decisions you can make as a parent and scare your children through ignorance, blind spots or, worst of all, best intentions. We miss the cues, we expose our children to danger, we misjudge. My parenting mistakes have given me countless opportunities to apologise, forgive myself and accept my own imperfections. Our children can (and will) blame us for everything that doesn't work out in their lives. We pass the torch of tolerance on to them when we give them a chance to forgive us for our mistakes.
9. Faith
My husband once felt the need to remind me that it’s called “Mothering”, not “Smothering”. But having a child, I've heard it said, is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life. Once we bring a child into this world, we can choose to either become neurotically over protective, or we can trust the God with what is most precious to us. Having a child is not for sissies. Loving someone more than ourselves, yet being powerless to protect them from all hurt, is either a foolishness or a quantum leap of faith. I now wear a necklace with my children’s names, as well as the word FAITH, around my neck.
10. Surrendering to the mystery
Parenting books make it seem as though there are simple answers – how to get your kids to sleep, eat and behave. I've read too many of those books. I understand the biology of conception, but remain baffled by the mystery of creating another person. Parenting has taught me that this sacred connection between parent and child is as unknowable as it is scientific. It is a mystery that creates joint history and bonds that unite us beyond this lifetime. It’s a useful insight to invoke just at that point when the whining feels like it’s driving me to an early glass of wine. :)
