What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question is, 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
The wrong answer is, Rugby, Soccer or Cricket.
Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes. More then the earth and the stars. More than my mother. More than life itself.'
Th wrong answer is, 'Would it make you feel better if i said yes?'
Do I look fat?
The correct response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, No, course not' and then leave the room.
The wrong answer is, 'A little extra weight looks good on you.'
Do you think she is prettier then me?
The 'she' in question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In each case, the correct answer is, 'No, you're much prettier.'
The wrong answer is, "Not prettier, but i bet you have a nicer personality.'
What would you do if i died?
The correct answer is, 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and i would perforce hurl myself under the front tyres of the first minibus taxi that came my way.'
The wrong response is, 'Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.'
Married men live longer then single men do. But married men are a lot more willing to die,
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Ten men and a woman have been rescued off a mountain and are hanging from the rope stairs of a helicopter. The rope starts to fray and the assistant pilot leans out and shouts,'Sorry, but if the rope breaks all of you will die. One person must let go and then maybe we can save the rest of you.'
The men all shout and scream among themselves, but can't agree on who will sacrifice themselves for the group. Eventually the woman pipes up, 'I'll do it. Men are so much more handsome and intelligent than woman. They have a grasp of all the important issues and are natural leaders. Moreover, woman are used to giving up things for males - the superior sex. It will thus contribute to a greater good if I let go and you are saved to continue with the wonderful things that it is your destiny to fulfil.'
When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
Behind every successful woman is herself.
Ten Signs You're Addicted To Coffee
- You help your dog chase it's tail.
- You short motion detectors.
- You walk ten kilometres on the treadmill before you realise it's not plugged in.
- You can type 60 words a minute with your toes.
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- You channel search without the remote.
- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
- You jump start your car without cables.
A atheist was walking through the bush when a lion jumped into his path. The man turned to flee, but tripped over a root and went sprawling. In seconds the cat was standing over him.
"Oh, God!" cried the atheist.
At that instant the lion Froze, the surrounding bush went quiet and a voice from heaven, 'You deny my existence for all these years and credit creation to a cosmic accident. Now, in your time of need, you cry out for help. Am i now to count you as a believer?'
'It indeed be hypocritical to change my beliefs at this point,' said the man. 'Maybe you could make the lion a Christian. That would resolve our dilemma.'
'Very well, said God.
With that everything returned to normal and the lion unfroze, dropped to his knees, bowed it's head and prayed, "Lord, for this food I'm about to receive, I'm truly grateful. Amen."
