Married men live longer then single men

Married men live longer then single men do. But married men are a lot more willing to die,

A woman worries about the future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Hanging From A Rope.

Ten men and a woman have been rescued off a mountain and are hanging from the rope stairs of a helicopter. The rope starts to fray and the assistant pilot leans out and shouts,'Sorry, but if the rope breaks all of you will die. One person must let go and then maybe we can save the rest of you.'

The men all shout and scream among themselves, but can't agree on who will sacrifice themselves for the group. Eventually the woman pipes up, 'I'll do it. Men are so much more handsome and intelligent than woman. They have a grasp of all the important issues and are natural leaders. Moreover, woman are used to giving up things for males - the superior sex. It will thus contribute to a greater good if I let go and you are saved to continue with the wonderful things that it is your destiny to fulfil.'

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Behind every successful woman is...

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Ten Signs You're Addicted To Coffee

  Ten Signs You're Addicted To Coffee

1. You help your dog chase it's tail.
2. You short motion detectors.
3. You walk ten kilometres on the treadmill before you realise it's not plugged in.
4. You can type 60 words a minute with your toes.
5. You don't sweat, you percolate.
6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
7. Instant coffee takes too long.
8. You channel search without the remote.
9. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
10. You jump start your car without cables.

Oh, God!

A atheist was walking through the bush when a lion jumped into his path. The man turned to flee, but tripped over a root and went sprawling. In seconds the cat was standing over him. 

"Oh, God!" cried the atheist. 
At that instant the lion Froze, the surrounding bush went quiet and a voice from heaven, 'You deny my existence for all these years and credit creation to a cosmic accident. Now, in your time of need, you cry out for help. Am i now to count you as a believer?'

'It indeed be hypocritical to change my beliefs at this point,' said the man. 'Maybe you could make the lion a Christian. That would resolve our dilemma.'
'Very well, said God.
With that everything returned to normal and the lion unfroze, dropped to his knees, bowed it's head and prayed, "Lord, for this food I'm about to receive, I'm truly grateful. Amen." 

While most people are becoming older and wiser

While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as i go along.